Tuesday, April 13, 2010


An urgent JET LAG special report. PLEASE READ!!!

CU lacrosse health officials have expressed immediate concern and are issuing a call to action for a recent outbreak of Twine Flu at Kittredge Field this evening. The outbreak occurred between 8:30 and 10pm and has affected the CU lacrosse team dramatically. Its already been confirmed that at least half of the team has been diagnosed with Twine Flu. Cases have been reported primarily in offensive players, since they were the group showing severe symptoms. It started at about 8:30 as the offense began shooting drills, and nylon was seen exploding out of the back of the goal. Entire squares of the net were removed, and the top rope connecting the net to the crossbar was seen tearing in half in multiple locations. Some reports say damage was also seen to sidewalls in the pockets of both Goalies. Those with medical experience present at the scene tried to prevent further twine damage by retying the stringing between drills, but to no avail. Mike Britt, an expert on pathogenic microorganisms and viruses, as he plans to go to med school, said he hadn't seen such a rapid proliferation and spread of a viral strain before in such a short amount of time. Within minutes the entire offense had caught the Twine Flu, and the goalies were absolutely not thrilled about it. It can't be certain if the Twine left Kittredge, but precautionary steps need to be taken and anyone showing the following symptoms of the Twine Flu should take immediate action:
  • Ripping Top Chee from 15 yards out with no remorse
  • Blowing out the top twine causing grounds for a pause in shooting and a mandatory "re-string"
  • Beating the goalie with an off-hand shot to the bottom corner
  • Causing the goalie to break his stick across the left or right upright
  • Ripping a shot through an already twine-less corner so that it touches no net at all
There are reports that Doctors in the Michigan State Immunology Department are already working on a vaccine to cure those affected. Unfortunately for MSU it has already been determined that the Twine does not transfer between teams, so it is extremely vital for their success that a vaccine is found to cure the Buffaloes.

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