Wednesday, April 2, 2014

What Coach Galvin Does in his Free Time

Hello all,

I apologize for the fact that we have not been posting often. However, we are hoping to get a little momentum back behind the RedHotBuffs.

Admittedly, I too have allowed myself to become lazy. My surveillance of Coach Galvin has become passive at best, and I have not done an adequate job of stirring up the rumor mill and churning out back page gossip on our dearest leader. In that vain, I would like to remind everyone that all comments made on this page are strictly conjectures made in search of greater truths.

I had a realization the other day: we hardly know Coach off the field. We all know the deep feeling of inner worthlessness you feel when his steely blue eyes cut into your soul. The kind of insecurity that leads people to putting razor blades in kids apples on Halloween and other super whack stuff.

But, barring the few rare moments of candid expression in the hotel on road trips, the scope of our knowledge on Coach has been kept mostly between the lines of the field.

I am here to change that. I have cranked up my reconnoissance of Coach and have compiled a list of 5 things that I am confident that Coach does off the field to pass the time. This list of his hobbies is based on loose definitions of the words "research" and "facts." Enjoy:

1. Eats extremely healthy foods.
Coach's preference for the discount health foods store "Sprouts" is well documented, but as a Boulder native, I am quite certain that it is impossible for even the most ardent hippie to seriously enjoy raw kale salads with organic coconut oil dressing. His healthy streak is clearly a front Coach puts on to make us all respect him a little bit more.

2. Does Ballet.
We all know how exceptional Coach G's calfs are. That kind of definition doesn't happen by accident: "And up, and down, and up, and down, and up, and down,"

3. Rips selfies like a champ.
Although he has gone to extreme measures to maintain anonymity on Snapchat, Coach G's username is in fact "TheRealGatsby-69-420" (it was also his original AIM name). Although he won't allow me to take part in any such selfies, I managed to sneak one of my own on the plane ride home from California earlier this year.

4. Yells at children.
This one shouldn't really surprise any of you.

5. Is the King of the desert.
An anecdote: we are at our hotel in Cathedral City, California. We are surrounded by nothingness. Across the street is a Big Lots, behind us is a trailer park for the retired elderly. To the South and East, we are surrounded by large, rocky ridges crowned by multi-million dollar homes. And to the West, for as far as the eye can see, there is featureless, barren desert. I am in front of the hotel, enjoying the company of the hotel's receptionist who is slightly overweight, but excessively friendly. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a fleeting glimpse of two lean, well defined calves. I run outside just in time to see Coach disappearing behind the corner. A number of hours later, I receive a text message from an anonymous source (but a friend of my work), with a single image:

If you look closely at the dark spot in the center of this image, Coach Galvin's running style and gait are clearly visible. He undoubtedly drank the nectar of many cacti, and maimed a number of wild hyenas on his run. If you asked Coach, he would tell you he does his jogging in the name of fitness. But that is a thinly veiled excuse for him to tend to his domain. For Coach Galvin is the King of the Desert, and the king of the desert fears nothing, not even Clint Eastwood. But Coach Galvin is a sympathetic King, who tends to the needs of his dominion, and ensures the well-being of those under his watch. He jogs to feed the hungry, clothe the nude, and teach the illiterate. He jogs because he is too humble to mount a steed and too proud to hide behind tinted windows.

But beware, Coach expects loyalty in return. There is a legend: of a boy who once crossed the sympathetic King, and dared to fall asleep during a team meeting. Late in the evening, Coach went out for his jog, with an unusual look of determination in his eyes. That boy was never seen again. So, onward through the desert roams our leader, jogging not for his own benefit, but for the benefit of everyone within the kingdom.

I am reminded of a quote from the great Nicolo Machiaveli, one of the world's greatest politicians, tacticians, and thinkers, "For the prince is but a boy/ 'tis the King who hath earned the power and respect and admiration of his court/ 'tis the King who rules his dominion with fists of iron in times of conflict/ and with resolute leadership during times of peace/ for the prince is but a boy/ but the King is a King."

From the heart of a boy,

Friday, March 21, 2014

New Season, New Faces, Same Red Hot Buffs

Hey guys and gals. It’s been 388 days since the last post here on Red Hot Buffs, but fear not, for that streak ends today. 388 days is a long time; we’ll start posting here more regularly, but at this point we should all be grateful that there is something other than the caption contest sitting at the top of the page.To start things off here’s a sneak peek of our promo video that should be coming out soon.


Thursday, February 21, 2013

Club Ball: Episode 2

One Liners: Atlanta, GA

Danny "The Man" Schatz

   The start of another season means another Red Hot Buff series. One Liners will feature the short musings, thoughts, and personal opinions of Rowan, Griff, Mitch, Tyler, Aj, or just about anyone on the team who will sit down and give us their thoughts. This week, One Liners comes from sophomore defensmen Rowan Sloss, who, according to Matt White, isn't funny. Decide for yourself.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Red Hot Gear Drop

While the Buffs continue with the preseason this week, they prepare for scrimmages with Mesa State and Adams State just a week away. In the mean time we thought we'd share what Coach Galvin just dropped on us for the season. Enjoy.

This year the Buffs will wear Warrior gloves with the customized cuffs. Pretty sweet huh?

 We just picked this custom snapback up at Breakaway Sports. Wasn't given by the team but we thought it was pretty sweet anyways.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Get To Know Us

Hi all, Griffin here. With Colin now out in California, and Steve no longer on the scene, RHB has sort of fallen off. Well, we want to remedy that. This season the team is intent on putting out more stuff, most of it mindless thoughts that appear in our heads, hopefully for your humor and entertainment.

That said, I thought it would be prudent to give a short bio on the blogging team here. This list is not by any means complete, and as the season goes on, we will likely get more new bloggers. But, in the mean time here are some fun facts about us.

Mitch Fenton: Mitch plays goalie for us, and he originally hails from Connecticut. Studying poli-sci, Mitch is aiming to be poor after he graduates. In that vain, Mitch is the team representative within the club sports administration, hoping to someday be able to trick a congressman by convincing them that his position actually had something to do with politics. He is one of just three players we have this season to have "lax lettuce" coming out the back of his helmet. Mitch and I have bonded over a shared love for the thoughts and insights of Ben Litwak.

Despite the face, notice how well Mitch is dressed

AJ Colazzi: AJ is a sophomore studying marketing in the business school. He plays midfield.  AJ is fond of yelling random crap at practice, telling the freshman what to do, and using a variety of different voices to stereotype groups of people. Despite what one might think when talking to AJ, he does not have a documented learning disability. AJ is half Mexican, which is cool, except he thinks that he can just speak Spanish at parties and people will like him more. It has the reverse effect.

This is clearly one smart looking guy

Tyler Dougherty: T-Doe is an engineering student, originally from Seattle. Tyler chose CU simply by virtue of the fact that sun is actually present in Boulder. Dough has a really cool Asian rice farmer hat, which I have always been very jealous of. Dough is one of the smartest and nicest guys on the team, and I am really having a difficult time thinking of sarcastic comments about him.

Here you can see just how cool Dough's hat is
Rowan Sloss: Rowan is a close defender for the Buffs, originally from Santa Cruz California. He studies aerospace engineering, which qualifies him both as incredibly smart and simultaneously wildly dim-witted. Smart, because he can actually understand how planes fly. Dim-witted because he spent all that time learning how planes can fly. Rowan has an exceptionally hairy chest, and I am slowly plotting my opportunity to shave a large mustache onto his torso.

A small glimpse at Rowan's chest hair
And just a quick word about me. I spend most of my time making sarcastic jokes, so it was only a matter of time until I joined the blogging world. I was born and raised in Boulder, which means that I eat exclusively organic fruits, granola, and quinoa. I play midfield for the team, and, as you may have gathered by now, I enjoy speculating on the whims of our coach, John Galvin.

This is my prized Kitten t-shirt. If you don't like cats then you're wrong.

We hope you all enjoy what we have to share with you this season.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Our Favorite Player In College Football

As a fan of CU Athletics, the Buffs football season was pretty tough to be a part of. However, I did have the SEC to save me. My mom went to LSU, and I have always had strong connections to that part of the country. I am a huge LSU fan, and as such I hate Alabama. I hate almost everything about Alabama. Their fans are dumb, their college is worthless, and Nick Saban is a "nappy-headed-heaux" (that phrase is stolen directly from the Baton Rouge newspaper).

However, Alabama does have one redeeming quality. Chance Warmack plays on their line, and while I know almost nothing about him, I have seen him on TV many a time. Him and his glorious gut.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Is Coach Galvin A Robot?

The lifelong saga of discovering the secrets of Coach Galvin continues, I think we are really onto something with this one. Disclaimer: For the sake of this blog, truth is nothing more than dust in the wind.