Wednesday, April 2, 2014

What Coach Galvin Does in his Free Time

Hello all,

I apologize for the fact that we have not been posting often. However, we are hoping to get a little momentum back behind the RedHotBuffs.

Admittedly, I too have allowed myself to become lazy. My surveillance of Coach Galvin has become passive at best, and I have not done an adequate job of stirring up the rumor mill and churning out back page gossip on our dearest leader. In that vain, I would like to remind everyone that all comments made on this page are strictly conjectures made in search of greater truths.

I had a realization the other day: we hardly know Coach off the field. We all know the deep feeling of inner worthlessness you feel when his steely blue eyes cut into your soul. The kind of insecurity that leads people to putting razor blades in kids apples on Halloween and other super whack stuff.

But, barring the few rare moments of candid expression in the hotel on road trips, the scope of our knowledge on Coach has been kept mostly between the lines of the field.

I am here to change that. I have cranked up my reconnoissance of Coach and have compiled a list of 5 things that I am confident that Coach does off the field to pass the time. This list of his hobbies is based on loose definitions of the words "research" and "facts." Enjoy:

1. Eats extremely healthy foods.
Coach's preference for the discount health foods store "Sprouts" is well documented, but as a Boulder native, I am quite certain that it is impossible for even the most ardent hippie to seriously enjoy raw kale salads with organic coconut oil dressing. His healthy streak is clearly a front Coach puts on to make us all respect him a little bit more.

2. Does Ballet.
We all know how exceptional Coach G's calfs are. That kind of definition doesn't happen by accident: "And up, and down, and up, and down, and up, and down,"

3. Rips selfies like a champ.
Although he has gone to extreme measures to maintain anonymity on Snapchat, Coach G's username is in fact "TheRealGatsby-69-420" (it was also his original AIM name). Although he won't allow me to take part in any such selfies, I managed to sneak one of my own on the plane ride home from California earlier this year.

4. Yells at children.
This one shouldn't really surprise any of you.

5. Is the King of the desert.
An anecdote: we are at our hotel in Cathedral City, California. We are surrounded by nothingness. Across the street is a Big Lots, behind us is a trailer park for the retired elderly. To the South and East, we are surrounded by large, rocky ridges crowned by multi-million dollar homes. And to the West, for as far as the eye can see, there is featureless, barren desert. I am in front of the hotel, enjoying the company of the hotel's receptionist who is slightly overweight, but excessively friendly. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a fleeting glimpse of two lean, well defined calves. I run outside just in time to see Coach disappearing behind the corner. A number of hours later, I receive a text message from an anonymous source (but a friend of my work), with a single image:

If you look closely at the dark spot in the center of this image, Coach Galvin's running style and gait are clearly visible. He undoubtedly drank the nectar of many cacti, and maimed a number of wild hyenas on his run. If you asked Coach, he would tell you he does his jogging in the name of fitness. But that is a thinly veiled excuse for him to tend to his domain. For Coach Galvin is the King of the Desert, and the king of the desert fears nothing, not even Clint Eastwood. But Coach Galvin is a sympathetic King, who tends to the needs of his dominion, and ensures the well-being of those under his watch. He jogs to feed the hungry, clothe the nude, and teach the illiterate. He jogs because he is too humble to mount a steed and too proud to hide behind tinted windows.

But beware, Coach expects loyalty in return. There is a legend: of a boy who once crossed the sympathetic King, and dared to fall asleep during a team meeting. Late in the evening, Coach went out for his jog, with an unusual look of determination in his eyes. That boy was never seen again. So, onward through the desert roams our leader, jogging not for his own benefit, but for the benefit of everyone within the kingdom.

I am reminded of a quote from the great Nicolo Machiaveli, one of the world's greatest politicians, tacticians, and thinkers, "For the prince is but a boy/ 'tis the King who hath earned the power and respect and admiration of his court/ 'tis the King who rules his dominion with fists of iron in times of conflict/ and with resolute leadership during times of peace/ for the prince is but a boy/ but the King is a King."

From the heart of a boy,

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