Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Is Coach Galvin A Robot?

The lifelong saga of discovering the secrets of Coach Galvin continues, I think we are really onto something with this one. Disclaimer: For the sake of this blog, truth is nothing more than dust in the wind. 

Well, a new year means a new set of mysteries to be discovered about Coach Galvin. I have now gotten a full season under my belt, which means that I have been able to refine some of my observations about Coach. I have begun keying in on some of his habits, mannerisms, etc. and I think that my accumulation of knowledge begs one simple question: Is Coach Galvin a robot?

            The evidence is there people. When we go to lift in the morning, I usually arrive at the rec center around 6:45, and coach is already in high gear at work, meaning he must rise at no later than 4:30 to be adequately fed and prepared to take on the day. However, at night, Coach doesn’t leave the field until after his coaches meeting, and he has admitted to going to eat after, meaning he can go to bed no earlier than 11:30. This adds up to ~5 hours of sleep per night. No human could keep such a breakneck pace for long. We need rest.

            However, when I plug my iPhone in for 5 hours, the battery completely recharges. So, is it not possible that Coach is simply operating on a standard rechargeable lithium ion battery? All he needs is a wall outlet and a few hours to be back up and running.

            But there’s more. Coach recently admitted to me that he enjoys eating millet for breakfast, as it is apparently a good source of protein. Well, I figured I would give it a try. It turns out millet is simply finely ground sawdust. Let me make sure you understand; coach eats wood. Wood is both disgusting and dangerous to eat. The human mouth/throat are not built to be able to digest wood, but a robot’s digestive system can handle anything it wants.

            But maybe the strongest case proving coach Galvin’s secret identity comes from a talk he gave the team after a practice one night. “I know what it’s like to be a college student. I remember getting up at 10, going to 3 hours of class, coming home maybe taking a nap and watching some TV. I remember hanging out with friends. I remember how tough it is.” Well, there are two problems with that statement. (1) That is not a difficult lifestyle. (2) That is not the lifestyle that I, for one, live. My life is hard. I have to get up no later than 9, and I have at least 4 hours of class every day. Then I study until 3 or so, a much longer day than coach described. Also, I don’t watch TV, I watch HBO. And I most certainly do not socialize, that would just be too taxing on a body as delicate as my own. Thus, coach clearly never lived the life of an ordinary college student, and must have had a series of computer engineering majors program these memories into his bountiful 4TB memory.

            However, through meticulous research and pursuit of the facts, I have come to believe that coach may be at least part human after all. I have seen his steely blue eyes turn up with laughter, and narrow with the passion of a thousand fires. I have seen coach show great care, in fact there is a very substantiated rumor that he once fought off a mountain lion with his bare hands to rescue a box of young kittens on top of a mountain during a blizzard wearing nothing but a tunic. That sort of compassion and bravery can come only from human hearts, not lithium batteries.

            Coach’s status may remain unknown, but one thing is for sure, if there was ever a real life version of John Connor, it could totally be Coach Galvin.

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